The Guido & Guidette's Elements of Style

THE GUIDO & GUIDETTE'S RULES TO LIFE

Painstakingly composed by Alex Stoddart & the original Jersey Shore gang.

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YOUR TASK

With so much publicity and fame, everyone wants to be a guido or guidette these days. Following the popular success of the MTV show, Jersey Shore, there is a high demand for the necessary requirements to fulfill the prototype of a guido and guidette. At last this guide has been created to aid you in your journey to reach your goal. While it may appear easy to proceed in Snooki or The Situation’s footsteps, it is not. If you think it is, you are dead wrong, bro. Do you know the correct context in which it is appropriate to term someone "a grenade"? Do you know what "creeping girls from the loft" means? Do you even know what "guido" and "guidette" mean? There are many fakers out there, so it is imperative that you know the real deal. Trust us. For all of you out there who have potential, this is your opportunity to dive right into the Jersey Shore world to realize the absolute possibility of successfully becoming a guido or guidette, and possibly ending up on the Shore yourself. While we know you are perfect because you are looking at this book, it is important to know that everyone makes mistakes sometimes (even our role model Ronnie). Of course, we do want to avoid as many of those as possible to keep up our incredible status. There cannot be any other people outdoing us! Now get to work because you are going to have to start tanning, working out, and getting some haircuts to keep looking fresh. Oh! And don’t forget to practice your dance moves so you can fight the beat back!


I. Elementary Rules of Usage

2. In a series of three or more terms with a single conjunction, use a comma after each term except the last.
This is incredibly important as you must ensure that you know how to communicate properly to your guidos and guidettes. Improper punctuation may cause you to get knocked out.

Incorrect
a) Sammi Jwoww, and Snooki
b) Pauly D The Situation, Vinny
c) Gym tanning laundry
Correct
a) Sammi, Jwoww, and Snooki
b) Pauly D, The Situation, and Vinny
c) Gym, tanning, and laundry

3. Enclose parenthetic expressions between commas.
Make sure you know how to form sentences properly as miscommunication can yield negative outcomes. No one wants to be put in Snooki’s situation.

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Incorrect
Ronnie: She was like when she flipped out she was like somebody was like Yo.
Correct
She was like, when she flipped out, she was like, somebody was like, "Yo."
Ronnie: You really have to like catch my eye and be like really you know what I mean something special for me to be like like I'm feeling you. You really have to, like, catch my eye and be like really, you know what I mean, something special for me to be like, like I'm feeling you.

II. Elementary Principles of Composition

15. Put statements in positive form.
Don’t lie. We know what you really want to say and you should just say it. When you are at the Jersey Shore, you mustn't be hesitant to share your feelings. You should shout out your opinion before the police come.

Incorrect
Angelina was not going to be living in the house any longer.
Correct
Angelina was kicked out.
Vinny: I'm not a momma's boy where it's like scary. I'm a momma's boy.

16. Use definite, concrete language.
Do not use words and phrases that can be confusing. We have enough drama on the Shore without having to deal with trivial remarks. Use exactly what you are trying to say.

Incorrect
Snooki: That’s why I don’t eat lobster or anything like that cause they’re alive when you kill it.
Correct
I don’t want to eat something I have to kill first.
Sammi: Looking good is not just something I do… It’s an occupation. If I don’t feel good I cannot rock it out in the club and kill it. I have to look good when I go dancing at the club.

17. Omit needless words.
No one wants to have unnecessary words because that will cost us valuable fist-pumping practicing time. Say only what you truly mean to say because then you can get to the real essentials of life: the gym, the tanning, and the laundry.

Incorrect
Ronnie: Come at me bro, come at me bro.
Correct
Fight me.
The Situation: One of these girls was definitely more cuter than the other. That girl was prettier.
Snooki: Now I feel like more of the family now. I’m a part of the family.
The Situation: Neither does he know me neither. He doesn’t know me either.
The Situation: Everybody at the Shore definitely knows The Situation. As far as I know, everybody loves The Situation, and if you don’t love The Situation, I’m gonna make you love The Situation. I am amazing.

III. A Few Matters of Form

Colloquialisms. Do not draw attention to this word or phrase by enclosing it with quotations.
At the Jersey Shore, remember that you want to have a good time, and not stir up any problems. Do not make a big deal out of yourself.

Incorrect
a) Did you see those “gorilla juiceheads”?
b) Snooki is the head “guidette.”
Correct
a) Gorilla juiceheads are everywhere.
b) Snooki is the head guidette.

Exclamations. Do not emphasize simple statements by adding this punctuation mark.
[We already know you are a big deal because you are a guido or guidette. Do not draw unhealthy attention to yourself by incorrectly accentuating something that is not important.

Incorrect
Snooki: Straight out trade!
Ronnie: I shut down clubs when I go out!
Angelina: Um hello!!
Correct
Straight out trade.
I shut down clubs when I go out.
Um, hello.

IV. Words and Expressions Commonly Misused

Chill Out, Freckles McGee. While this may seem to be a friendly term, expect the opposite. This is not to be considered complementary. If someone says this to you, you have done something inappropriate at the Shore which may include: bringing home zoo creatures or coming at someone like a hippo.

Guido. This is commonly thought of as a derogatory term. This is incorrect because as Pauly D would say, “It’s a lifestyle. It’s about representing--family, Italian, tanning, gel. I got a tanning bed in my place. That’s how serious I am about being a guido.”

Guidette. Again this is thought of as a derogatory term. This is also incorrect as demonstrated through Sammi’s worthy words, “A guidette is someone who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has really pretty hair, cakes on makeup, has tan skin, wears the hottest heels.”

Kind of. Not to be used interchangeably to mean rather or something like. It should only be used in the literal sense meaning a type of. Besides using kind of makes you seem less intelligent, or at least we think so.

Incorrect
Pauly D: Those girls were acting kind of stupid.
Correct
Snooki’s hat is a kind of Ed Hardy hat.
Sammi: I’m kind of nervous with getting myself involved again with somebody. Sammi has a particular kind of hair extensions

Like. Should not be used for the conjunction as. Also, it should not be used as an additional unnecessary word because that only adds extra drama and we have enough of that at the Shore already with wild zoo creatures.

Incorrect
Ronnie: She was like, legit, upstairs crying.
Correct
She was crying upstairs.
The Situation: I’m at the gym for like an hour and a half. I work out for an hour and a half.
Angelina: I’m a bartender. I do, like, great things. I’m a bartender.

V. An Approach to Style

13. Make sure the reader knows who is speaking.
Down at the Shore, it’s critical to be aware of everyone’s names because if they speak in third person about himself or herself, it is not an error. This is done on purpose in order to accentuate how important of a guido or guidette you are.

Incorrect
That man who was the guy that said it.
Correct
The Situation: The Situation’s got it all under control.
That girl was you know a stage 5 clinger. The Situation: Sammi’s got a kindergarten crush on the Situation.

18. Use figures of speech sparingly.
Do not begin with one metaphor and then end with an alternate one. This only causes confusion, bro, and I won’t be able to understand what you’re talking about.

Incorrect
The Situation: 1) Pauly got the grenade (girl).
2) The girl was a bomb and Pauly didn't know how to decipher it.
Correct
Use grenade in all circumstances after using it initially.
The Situation 1) There are no zoo creatures allowed in this house no more.
Pauly D 2) This like elephant chick.
Do not use multiple terms for the women you bring home. It is confusing.

SOME LAST WORDS

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Now that you have finished reading The Guido and Guidette’s Rules to Life, you should be well on your way to becoming a guido or guidette. Don’t forget to keep it fresh by continuously updating your wardrobe and your hairstyle. As an additional precaution, be sure to wear protective eyewear while tanning as we do not endorse skin cancer. Congratulations on being a guido or guidette! Looking forward to seeing you down at the Shore house sometime in the near future.



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