The Future Elements of Style


JAMIE Morgan AND
I.C. Weiner


“The coolest thing since Heineken, hookers, and huge tits”

Bender Bending Rodriguez's
The Future Elements
of Style

futurama1.jpg
futurama2.png

Hidey-Ho Circuits and Circettes! It’s your friendly neighborhood Bender! (Also known as El Bendero Rodriguez, for all you Spanish machines out there.) I’ve put together this book to teach all you awesome robots how to write like these stupid humans. Now don’t get me wrong—I dream about the robot revolution just as much as the rest of ya’ll, but how are we going to take over the system if we’re not a part of it? That’s what this snazzy little book will help you do. I’m going to teach all you manufactured bad-asses the ways of the wonderful. Learning how to write is a great way to start our endeavor of world domination. So pop open a beer, light up a cigar, and read the damn book! If you follow these rules to the "T" you’ll write like a human in no time. Astound your co-workers with your epic grammar, serenade the ladies with your perfect punctuation, and get out of slimy situations with some slick talk. And if you don’t like it, you can bite my shiny metal ass!

(Disclaimer: This piece of work is not guaranteed to do any of the following things: get you a job, get you a girl, or get you out of jail. We are also not held responsible for any information overload.

Robots experiencing problems including overheating, memory loss, and chronic blackouts are not encouraged to upload the following information.)

futurama3.png

[ONE]
ELEMENTARY
RULES OF USAGE

1. Form the possessive singular of nouns by adding ‘s.

Bender’s beer
Fry’s intelligence
Leela’s tits

But don’t use an apostrophe when you say things like hers, his, or theirs. Unless these bitches are indefinite pronouns you know like,

I will not go to just anyone’s party.
This is not everyone’s stripper.

Or what you knuckle heads are used to saying:

This is somebody else’s alcohol.
This is somebody else’s woman.
This is somebody else’s party.

These are obviously completely irrelevant, at least when you’re the awesome Bender Rodriguez, that is. Then it would end up turning into, my alcohol, my woman, my party. All of which do not need apostrophes. Practice being cool first. That way you won’t even need to use apostrophes.

futurama3.png

[2]
ELEMENTARY PRINCIPLES
OF COMPOSITION

15. Put statements in positive form.

Alright ladies and losers, this one is pretty hard. When you’re writing, don't use the word not unless it means you’re denying something, like theft, murder, or assault. So basically instead of saying:

He did not think that the stripper had big enough tits.

You would instead say,

He thought the stripper’s tits could have been bigger.

It comes off a lot cooler, and the stripper gets a lot less offended. They don’t like being told no you know?

futurama3.png

[III]
A FEW MATTERS
OF FORM

Colloquialisms: This is the human’s word for slang, basically. When it comes to droppin’ some sweet slang, the rule is that you don’t want to draw attention to it. Just use the damn word! It’s like when humans use the word colloquialism. Instead of putting the damn thing in quotes, they just use it. So when you want to talk about some hot chicks, you can simply say,

I was walking down the street the other day and found some damn fine saucy biscuits.

Don’t emphasize the slang. Just do it! (No pun intended.)

Exclamations: Don’t use exclamation marks to emphasize simple statements. Not using one will make your statement stronger.

I will destroy all humans! I will destroy all humans.

See how the second one was much more intimidating? You should only use the exclamation mark after true exclamations or commands.

What a stupid human!
Eat shit!
futurama3.png

[#4]
WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS
COMMONLY MISUSED

Clever: Commonly misused when applied to certain nouns. When you say that the robot is clever, you mean he is bright, cunning, and competent. A clever human however is just a well natured one. He listens when asked to do simple tasks like, "shut up," "kiss my ass," and "get me a beer, bitch."

(Disclaimer: A well-natured human is not easy to find. Don’t get your hopes up.)

He is a man who: This is a way for students to use stupid words that are not necessary.

He is a man who gets the ladies. He is Bender.
He is a man who is a meatbag. He is (insert human name here)

Folk: Do you often find yourself getting laid at family reunions like Hermes Conrad? Do you spend all your time watching Jerry Springer like Scruffy the Janitor? Do you flirt with anyone, regardless of if they’re in your own blood line like Zapp Brannigan?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you must be a stupid human. If you answered no, then you are smart enough to realize that whenever someone uses the word “folks” instead of, “mother and father” or “parents,” then they are not worthy of your time. In fact, talking to them will only make you dumber.

futurama3.png

[CINCO]
AN APPROACH TO STYLE

6. Do not overwrite.

Example 1 - What not to do:

I’d like to direct everyone’s attention to the second paragraph in the fourth edition of the actual Elements of Style: “The click and the flow of the word processor can be seductive.” Okay. Okay. This bitch wouldn’t know a seductive word processor if he saw one! If she came up and shoved her hot circuits in his face he wouldn’t even know what to do with it. If the sexy Ms. Microsoft 3008 was starting to get a little over heated this guy would short circuit! How about next time, when some hot motherboard shoves her hard drive in your face why don’t you just step back and let a real robot access her hard drive. Meatbag. Stupid human. Stupid, stupid human.

Example 2 - What to do:

The fourth edition of Elements of Style says, “The click and flow of the word processor can be seductive.” He wouldn’t know a seductive word processor if he saw one! Whoever wrote this must be a stupid human.

4. Write with nouns and verbs.

Instead of using adjectives and adverbs use nouns and verbs. You’d be surprised how many stupid humans are able to picture something without an adjective. In fact, too many words just confuse them even more.

Up in the factory
Full of gas
I tell all the humans
To bite my ass.

As you can see the nouns gas and ass not only rhyme, but give the reader vivid and accurate imagery. By keeping the poem short and sweet, it becomes powerful and meaningful.

futurama3.png

[THIS IS THE ENDING]

Well Circuits and Circettes, I hope this book does you just as much good as it did me. Remember, to take over the human population one meatbag at a time we need to be able to not only beat them with our bodies but confuse the hell out of them with words. So remember! Write positively, don’t use the word “folks” unless your intentions are to get your sister in the sack, and there is no such thing as a clever human.




Return to the table of contents for 1.1 Elements