Freddy's Elements of Elm Street

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Survive the Dream
With Freddy's Scheme

Foreword ...p.3
1.2 Freddy’s coming for you ...p.4
3.4 Lock your door ...p.5
5.6 Grab your crucifix ...p.6
7.8 Gonna stay up late ...p.7
9.10 Never sleep again ...p.8
Afterword ...p.9
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They shouldn't have buried me:
I'm not dead.

In all my years, I’ve never seen kids this terrible. There’s no need for dictionaries, thesauruses, encyclopedias; it’s all just a load of horse-shit!

Back in my heyday, there were no computers to help you little assholes survive the night. But since I am forever, I’m going to keep up with the times and give ‘em something new to believe in.

So what I’ve come up with is a little something to help you anxious maggots live to tell the tale on my turf: Elm Street. My rules might be just the remedy to fall asleep, but if you want to live you’ll have to pay attention closely.

Here’s my deal: When I was a boy, I was the bullied kid in school. My father beat me, my mother was a nun, and I liked to smash rodents’ heads in with household items found in my dad’s toolbox. My childhood couldn’t have been more normal.

Once I was a young man, I got married, had a beautiful daughter, and discovered that my favorite pastime was not something my friendly neighbors appreciated.

After all the fucking work I put into hiding it, my secret room had been found. It’s too bad my wife just happened to be the one to find it or else she might still be alive today.

At any rate, I was somehow given up by the rest of the children’s parents and was sent to court for a hearing. I was deemed a sex offender and that was that. I lost everything: my daughter, my home, my work. But there was one technicality that made the whole situation a little rough around the edges.

A day later, I was released from jail to continue my work. But, as I said, my friendly neighbors weren’t at peace with this decision so they took the law into their own hands.

So to make a long story short, one night they chased me into a worn out old shack, covered it with gasoline, lit a match, and watched it burn. But they didn’t know I would come back to take away their children just like they did mine.

So now you know and now you understand why you must take my words as truth to survive here in my territory. Whether you are the spawn or the source, I’m always watching to see who is next on my list of souls to take. I give new meaning to the phrase, 'you snooze, you lose.'

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See you in Hell, F. Krueger

P.S. If you don’t play by my rules,
this won’t be a game show you can dance your way off of.
You wanna be a star? Welcome to prime time, bitch.


1, 2, Freddy's coming for you...

Elementary Rules of Usage

(6) Do not break sentences down to two
Or else my wrath will soon find you...

I find that when I’m teasing my victims, I can strike more fear into their souls if I am straight to the point. If I break my sentences into parts the victim has to think too hard about what I’ve just said... and that’s no fun!

NO: It might be your dream. But it’s my rules.
YES: It might be your dream but it’s my rules.

(2) A serial comma for your serial killer keeps me from the drama and you from the thriller.

How can you be afraid if I don’t have disgustingly good description of how I’m going to kill you? I need to paint you a picture that says more than, "I’m going to drown you now." Plus, it’s more amusing to tell all my friends in hell later on.

NO: As I slit through Nancy’s white, bed sheets, colors of blood, brown, satiny, red, burst through the newly, cut flesh wounds on her back.
YES: As I slit through Nancy’s white bed sheets, shades of blood, brown, and satiny red burst through the newly-cut flesh wounds on her back.

(9) If the number of the subject and the number of the verb don’t match in a sentence, I’ll be waiting at your curb.

Don’t make me squirm in my skin by missing this most important of rules. If your subject is plural, your verb is plural. If your subject is singular, your verb is singular. Got it?!

NO: Your parents is the ones to blame.
YES: Your parents are the ones to blame.

3, 4, better lock your door...

Elementary Principles of Composition

(22) Place the emphatic words of a sentence at the end and to the heavens your soul may ascend.

If that sounded awkward to you, you’re one of the sharper knives on my glove. This sentence would sound better if it read: Place the emphatic words of a sentence at the end and your soul will ascend to heaven. Now, I could have said that but it didn’t exactly rhyme.

(18) Be sure to avoid a loose sentence succession and Elm Street won’t have to show its aggression.

If you are known to obsessively connect sentences with words such as and, but, who, which, when, or while, you might be my victim of the loose paragraph structure.

NO: First, they, whose children I took, tried to burn me. And then they tried to bury me. But then, and this is what tickles me, they even tried holy water.
YES: First, they tried to burn me. Then they tried to bury me. Then - and this is what tickles me - they even tried holy water.

(15) Put all your sentences in positive form; To my dark side you will not conform.

Ask yourself this question before writing it in blood: "Would I say this in conversation or would this sound better put in a different way?" For example,

NO: Did you think I was not going to kill you?
YES: Did you think I was going to let you live?

5, 6, grab your crucifix...

A Few Matters of Form

The Exclamation: Attempt to emphasize a statement that is not in need and be sure as hell I’ll make you bleed!

Save the exclamation points for the killings, I mean, the statements that matter. I don’t yell all the time and neither do you so there is no need to waste all that piercing energy on worthless crap like:

NO:
You’re my blood.
Bring them to me.
Tell ‘em Freddy sent you.
Come give Daddy some sugar.
YES:
I beat my high score!
Now be a good little doggy and go fetch!
I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little soul, too!

The Colloquialism: If you must use slang words or phrases, draw no attention or you’ll hear my praises.

I am known for my lame rhymes and catch phrases but you’ll never see me air-quoting them on screen. I am scary enough as it is. Wouldn’t you be scared if my glove were quoting in the air at you?

NO: I dreamt of a "boogeyman" last night.
YES: I dreamt of a boogeyman last night.

7, 8, gonna stay up late...

Words & Expressions Commonly Misused

Care less.

NO: 'I could care less' implies that I cared about you in the first place.
YES: 'I couldn’t care less' means that I care the littlest amount I could possibly care about you; which happens to be zero.

Effect vs. Affect

The effect (or result) of my hearings lead me to lose my daughter, Katherine.
I have the ability to affect (or influence) your life when I infiltrate your nightmares.

Comprise vs. Constitute

Elm Street comprises (or includes) many children who are dear to my heart.
Those children constitute (or form) my home on Elm Street.

9, 10, never sleep again...

An Approach to Style

(10) Use orthodox spellings in your writing. Make spellings up and you’ll be inviting...

If I had carved ‘Come + g3t him, b1+ch’ onto his stomach, people in the room would have just been confused. You want to make a point? Be blunt, bitch.

NO: U kn0w wut th3y say - no pa1n, no ga1n!
YES: You know what they say - no pain, no gain!

(8) Avoid using qualifiers - rather, very, little, pretty. These are the leeches that infest the pond of prose, sucking the blood of words. (I couldn’t have said that any better myself!)

I constantly call my children ‘little’ assholes; I assure them that falling asleep was ‘pretty’ stupid. It’d be clearer (and more interesting) if I called them something more sophisticated like pathetic pie-holes and told them that falling asleep was going to cost them their lives.

(14) Avoid using words that are fancy. If you’re not careful you’ll end up like Nancy...

Get to the point already, will you?

NO: The lurid reverie was merely a foretaste of future trials.
YES: The nightmare was only a preview of events to come.

Freddy's Revenge

Now that you’ve read up on my pet peeves of prose, you are ready to survive your nightmare. Yes, you may lay your sweet head to rest and know that the boogeyman won’t bother you for now. But everyone knows that every town has an Elm Street and it’s only a matter of time before you make a mistake.

When you make that mistake, I’ll be right there to help "edit" any problems at hand.

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Where will your children be when the nightmare continues?


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